Jamaica celebrates 50 I have 5 reasons not to.

Thirty seven days left until Jamaica 50.  I should be happy, elated even that my country will celebrate 50 years of Independence from the British government. My parents were lucky enough to see it all unfold in front of them. I unfortunately… don’t think I care that much.  That’s wonderful and of course it’s worth celebrating our accomplishments over the past 50 years… if we really have accomplished anything at all.

Now before you write me off as a non patriotic, blue foot, jaze ears, sketel (Jamaican terms look them up) please understand firstly I am the most patriotic of Jamaicans. I go out of my way to find a Jamaican jersey way before Reggae boys play any match, I deliberately bring bulla with me and I insist upon finding syrup at a near by “Jamaican store”  and I  refrain from twanging when I go abroad. So this of course means one of two things

1. Something nation wise has upset the Koi

2. Heights of F$%KRY a gwan a Jamaica.

I think they’re both right. It’s a combination of happenings now and in the past that have upset me so. GREAT we’re turning 50! *Confetti confetti, bring out the goat* If only we  actually accomplished something of true internal worth. And I bet you’re also saying she’s crazy! We’ve got the best runners, musicians etc etc yaddah yaddah yah and then what?

Lovely, we have the athletes, the musicians, the artists, the dancers, the food, the culture but internally we have accomplished very little. Except a nation of mess, corruption and complaining. People are still suffering, our literacy rates still failing, our young still culturally inept.  I for one have nothing to celebrate this year except my birthday, Christmas and Anniversary. Here are five reasons why:

1.  Them tax patty-

You must know that this was going to be the first. Why would you do that? Wah coulda possess you fi do that? For non Jamaican readers, Patty is a Jamaican  savory pastry on which we take great pride in consuming.  Jamaican young people especially those born in the 80s-90s remember all the crap we’d see on cable tv and wanted but were never able to afford or rather the barrel couldn’t hold them? Like sock’em boppers and micro machines, oh and not to mention the fahrin food  that we imagined tasted as good . For example  Mcdonalds (and as soon as we got one here we bomb rush the place like the food did actually taste good).

Heed my words, in five years patty will be like those items we used to drool over on our tv screens. Only rich people can buy patty now, something everybody; poor and rich could once enjoy. People actually survived on that.  No it nuh good for us but it and coco bread sure filled that hungry spot especially on cold rainy days. Soon high school students will have to make up them lunch money fi buy just one, like in the good ole days when we used to save up to buy fast food. This point leads me to point 2…

2.Government a F$&kry-

We ALL know this. PNP OR JLP in general they’re all lousy. (THEM TAX PATTY!! you know how long mi nuh eat a patty?? ) We pray continuously that they’ll pick up sense and start doing the right things but they never do. Every election, we pick off the people them tree branches, knock grandma douch pot and put on the orange shirt. But as soon as everything is over ,we go back to complaining how the Government doesn’t care about us. We call Perkins (God rest his soul) and cuss.  $2000 can’t go supermarket again (especially after everything tax). Why the road them mus look so? Proud Jamaica? on our 50th year? In particular communities of course, there will always be nicely paved roads and then  in others crater sized pot holes.  Why do the people of our country suffer so much simply by giving almost all they have so you can have everything? Oh suits in Parliament?  Why are there children hustling on the streets proud Jamaica? Why?  I find myself getting pissed off while writing this because none of them really do care. I think people often forget that they are who make up and rule their country not the government.

ON THAT NOTE!!! * Everything Government Run a even more f%&kry!-

Everything in this country is made harder than it should be. Doing right is frowned upon, chivalry is dead and so is common sense. Government agencies do their jobs when they feel like it and how they feel like it. Usually described as backwards and fool fool (In Jamaica we say things twice to show emphasis).

Simple things, like getting some identification. EXHIBIT A: Recently my passport expired. I went to get it renewed, only to find out I cannot be issued one because my mother’s maiden name isn’t present on my birth certificate. WHAT THE HELL? Several problems here:

1. I was issued a passport and a visa TWICE in my life on that same birth certificate

2. I’m an adult and no longer need my mother’s signature to vouch for me

3. IT’S MY PASSPORT not my mother’s. -_____-

See! f%&KRY

3. JPS still deh bout and stay like mosquito in portmore… ANNOYING –

JPS is the electrical monopoly here in Jamaica. They suck all kinds of  monkey ass and balls on a hot summer’s day. I’m starting to believe JPS is run by a small depressed boy who was breast fed by his father. They have such perfect timing, like they know when you just spend up your money on the PS3, you plug it in to use it and light goes. Possibly damaging your new item. Nuff fridge in Jamaica stop defrost because a JPS.    Mind you, you’ll call five or six times asking if something’s up in your area and customer service will  put  you on hold OR  if them answer Keisha wid the attitude tells you “NOPE BUT WE WORKING ON IT”

You can literally hear all the hissteeth in 20 mile radius when electricity gets cut off and the series of claat cussing when you receive your monthly bill of a billion dollars (tax now added). EVEN THOUGH! you live with your blind, deaf and dumb granny who have one tv but never uses it.JOY!

4. Telecommunications companies have more influence that the growing tax issues and murder rates-

Digicel and Lime are now in this great Spartan Vs Persia war. It’s like the  ‘who can make the other out to be the bigger asshole’ competition. Lime obviously won this round.

So the other day Lime announces their new rate (2.99) all of a sudden Digicel announces their new rate too (2.89). Weh di? Sure Digicel’s plan is not only unreasonable but just dumb but there’s a point to be made.

I really could care less which company is better but the fact that something as small as telephone rates can get people so worked up that they’ll take the streets and stand in front of the company celebrating the rival company’s down fall has me shocked. Now let’s look at points 4 through 1 . JPS is clearly crap. Them mash up yuh PS3…Yuh did save up yuh money, nuh eat fi weeks, considered prostitution JUST SO you could purchase that console.  Mi  no see nobody in front a JPS wid big stone (them have large glass panes so the stone nuh haffi fling hard).

Government is clearly crap also. No see nobody a stand up in front a Gordon house wid big stone. But in front of Digicel and Lime we stand, pushing this media hype on something that you would have had to pay for anyway. Jamaicans will tune into the news like General Hospital and Days just to hear about the Digicel and O.U.R lawsuit. YAY! Yet to see anyone banning together to stop the countless nonsense that’s happening in our country.

5. We complain too much- The Jamaica 50 song
A like we nyam flow batty too rahtid. Them ask Shaggy and the nice people dem fi make up one song fi celebrate Jamaica 50. All this halabaloo over the sound. “It sound too European” “it doesn’t represent us”. Hear wah! unno baxide! Why Lechem Semaj never come up with one for himself and all who agree with him? I find nothing wrong with the song. Even though Jamaica is still in disheartening state I feel pride listening to that song. In this country we complain a lot more than we try fixing the problem. There is usually a problem with everything especially when it comes to creativity. Nothing is wrong with criticism so long as it’s constructive. I suppose this is the only thing worth keeping hope alive in this nation. That little song.

The way things are, i doubt any change will come soon.With that said ,Jamaica I wish you a great 50 when it comes. I’ll celebrate with you, when i see some changes… real ones.  It’s life. And it goes on – Koi


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